Brian Scalabrine Sets Record for Triple-Singles

Celtics forward Brian Scalabrine set the NBA record for triple-singles on Tuesday. At 400, the new benchmark has been set for the future. The player nicknamed "Veal", for his tendency to sit the bench and not move, is now finding himself moving up the record books.

A triple-single may be an easy feat. But for a player to consistently refuse to break the mediocrity barrier throughout his career is incredible.

"I didn't plan on setting the record. But you know, with my style of play records can sneak up on you", says Scalabrine. "I'm just thinking about getting that ring."

Reports from the NBA website said that sales of Scalabrine jerseys have went up almost 800%. We have not confirmed the report that both jerseys were sold to his mother.

Redskins to Hire Head Coaching Coordinator in the Off-Season

The Redskins announced they will be adding a new coach next year to the coaching staff who will serve as the "head coaching" coordinator. It's a new coaching position that has never been used in the history of football. The Redskins have struggled since Gibbs took over despite making the playoffs last season. Washington recently clinched last place in the NFC East after losing to the Donovan McNabb-less Eagles.

"I think we've put too much pressure on Coach Gibbs," said owner Daniel Snyder. "We hired two excellent coordinators to run the offense and defense, but Coach Gibbs is having a tough time handling other things such as pregame speeches, watching game film using dvd's, and it was really tough for him to stay focused when the Chase for the Nextel Cup was going on. With this new head coaching coordinator, all Coach Gibbs has to do is stand there, watch the game, and take the gatorade shower when we win."

Gibbs seems to be Ok with the decision. "I like this new position being added to our staff. This way when we win I'll be praised, and if we lose they'll have to fire everyone except me," said Gibbs.

"This will be a great move not only for our team, but for the entire NFL," said Snyder. "I consider myself an innovator in this league and this new coaching position could revolutionize the way coaching staffs are structured."

Garcia Gets Text Message From T.O.

Jeff Garcia said this morning he received a text message from Terrell Owens. Garcia said the message was congratulating him on his win over the Panthers on monday night football. Owens reportedly used a Motorola Q to text "good game Jeff" to Garcia, but those reports haven't been confirmed.

Owens and Garcia have a rocky past going back to their days with the San Francisco 49ers. Owens repeatedly called for Garcia to be benched and on one occasion questioned Garcia's sexuality.

"I never questioned Jeff's sexuality. I just merely said that if something looks like a rat and smells like a rat that it's probably a rat. I never said anything about homosexuality," said Owens. "I watched the game last night and I really like how Jeff played. I mean I didn't see him gettin' tired in the fourth quarter. He did about as well as a quarterback can do without me in the lineup."

"Terrell is a great guy and I'm looking forward to playing against him on Christmas. I think I'll probably give him a hug," said Garcia.

Reports Link Mark McGwire to Floyd Landis

Reports were confirmed yesterday that Mark McGwire acquired performance enhancing drugs from cyclist Floyd Landis. McGwire and Landis apparently go back to their days as Mennonites in Lancaster County, PA. As children they both planned on leaving their simple life to pursue dreams of becoming professional athletes. As Mennonites they were so isolated from the modern world that they did not know much about the dangers of drugs.

“We were way too busy milking cows and harvesting grain to learn about the dangers of performance enhancing drugs. They were never around our community so there was no need to talk about them,” said 2005 Tour de France winner Floyd Landis.

Landis said when the two left Lancaster County, Landis met a trainer who first introduced him to performance enhancing drugs. “He just told me they were vitamins that helped your body during training so I said ‘what the heck’ I’ll try ‘em,” said Landis. “Then I told Mark to try them out because they worked so well for me and he started hittin’ a lot of home runs.”

Mark McGwire, who is up for induction into the Baseball Hall of Fame, was asked about his childhood relationship with Floyd Landis but had only this to say: “I’m not going to talk about the past, or how I look in a toga.”

“Looking back on it I wish we hadn’t done this, but on the other hand we both got paid,” said Landis.

Two Many Cutlers

Bodybuilding superstar Jay Cutler is angry. The name he used to be known for is now being confused with the Denver Broncos' rookie quarterback. Although no legal action from Jay Cutler (bodybuilder) has been taken, he sure had a lot of trash talk to send his way.

"I don't like this b*tch destroying my namesake. I was here first. He could easily call himself 'Jason Cutler' or 'the underdeveloped pectoral region-man,'" the current Mr. Olympia seethed. "I would eat him if he had more protein."

The violent tirade didn't stop there, "He's the size of my tricep in the offseason. King Cutler would pop him like a pimple on his back," said Cutler. "I bet he can't even bench 400 lbs."

Coincidentally, the TV in the weightroom had a segment on the rookie QB. When Cutler saw this, he erupted in rage, which began by him flexing so hard that his shirt ripped off. He then pumped out 600 pushups, and finished his tirade by smashing his face against the screen.

When asked about it, Denver QB Jay Cutler said, "has he been hangin' out with Shawne Merriman?"

Miami To Get A Glass Of OJ

The University of Miami Hurricanes football team is in shambles. Player arrests, on field brawls, and the lack of a competent coach have led to their demise. Instead of catching balls they catch court cases. The players who broke milestones now break laws. Instead of setting new records, they simply just have criminal records.

The self appointed “soldiers” of Miami’s championship teams have long gone on to the NFL. Their recently departed coach, Larry Coker, took his tactics of instilling discipline and building team integrity onto bigger and better things.

Now Miami has been “juiced” up (and we’re not talking Shawne Merriman). UMiami officials have hired OJ Simpson as their new head coach. The university so eloquently identified by the letter “U” now has an “O” and a “J” to add to their infamy.

“OJ brings instant credibility to our fledgling football program” Miami athletics director Paul Dee said in a statement on Friday. “He has that killer instinct that other coaches just don’t have.”

OJ Simpson’s first changes were harsh but necessary. “When I got the call I was just excited to take another stab at the sport. But I knew I had been brought here to do the dirty work. I started by cutting the players who I didn’t think I could trust. Then I had Miami install stain-resistant Astroturf.”

“Coach Simpson knows the ins and outs of the game. Like which way a running back should cut and slash and what types of gloves fit better. These are things only a Heisman trophy winner and a 6 time NFL Pro-Bowler would know,” said safety Brandon Merriweather. “I feel like he understands us as players - there's a connection there that I just can't describe."

We went to the university’s winter training facility to see the new coach in action. There was OJ, staring intensely at the playbook, thinking of new schemes to slice up defenses. OJ promised us and the fans that he would get this team out of trouble. No longer wondering how he would have done it in the past, Coach Simpson now has all the team’s weapons at his disposal. Now, only the team's success can judge OJ.

BCS Formula to Include Style Points in '07

The BCS has been heavily criticized since its inception in 1998. The BCS formula currently includes the Coaches Poll, the Harris Poll, and uses six computer ratings to come up with a computer average poll. These three components make up the BCS rankings. The problem most coaches have is the intangible style points that seem to be taken into account when coaches and writers make their rankings. The NCAA says they will solve the problem by adding a new style point system into the BCS equation next season.

“I think it’s a great move by the NCAA,” said Notre Dame head coach Charlie Weis. “We shouldn’t have been penalized in ’05 for our loss to USC because we looked so good in the game and we came really close to beating them. Under this new system we would’ve been ranked above USC because the style point system would’ve taken Reggie Bush’s push of Matt Leinart into account.”

The new style point system will award points for scoring 50+ points in a game (double if done by halftime), almost wins over top 10 teams, popularity of head coach, design of uniforms, number of post season award finalists, number of celebrity fans, home stadium ranking, missed referee calls, and number of Pontiac Game Changing Performances. Also teams that aren’t from the power conferences such as Boise State will automatically be left out of BCS bowl games.

NCAA President Myles Brand spoke about the new changes in the BCS and what these changes hope to accomplish. “Under this new system, coaches will now know where they stand in the rankings due to style points. There has been much controversy over what exactly style points are and how it affects the way the pollsters vote. Also under this new system Notre Dame is almost guaranteed to play in the BCS championship in the near future and we’re very excited about that.”

Simpson: Romo Too Stupid For Me

The past couple weeks there has been speculation that Dallas Cowboys quarterback Tony Romo was dating pop star/actress Jessica Simpson. Those rumors were recently squashed in a Sports Illustrated interview with Romo. Jessica Simpson has also responded to the rumors and says there was an initial attraction, but in the end Romo was just too dumb for her.

"He was really a sweet guy and very cute--but he just wasn't all that bright," said Simpson. "I mean he went to Eastern Illinois and I heard he only scored a 9 on the Wonderlic. I totally don't know what that means, but my Daddy says its not good."

Simpson says her next boyfriend needs to not only be good-looking, famous, and rich, but intelligent too. "I need a guy like me who is smart and independent. I didn't need no college and I'm a multi-zillionaire."

Romo was asked about Simpson's recent comments to which he responded, "a zillion isn't a number."

T.O. Admits He Used Bobble-Head as Voodoo Doll

Terrell Owens admitted early this morning that he used a Donovan McNabb bobble head doll in a voodoo ritual to injure the Pro Bowl quarterback. Owens says he bought the bobble head (shown left) off of ebay and flew in the best witch doctor in all of Haiti, terms of the deal were not disclosed, but a close friend of T.O. said he only had to give him a bucket of goat's blood. Agent Drew Rosenhaus was asked to comment on the situation to which he replied, "Next Question."

"At first I thought I might have been doing something wrong," said Owens. "But then I realized that I would be protected by my right to freedom of religion. Even the NFL can't suspend or fine me for the offense."

Commissioner Roger Goodell and NFLPA President Gene Upshaw plan to discuss the rule this upcoming off-season. "We feel if we don't stop this type of behavior soon that it will become the new steroids in the NFL. Instead of enhancing a player's own performance, they can just hinder someone else's performance," said Goodell.

Bill Parcells had little to say on the subject. "I'm not gonna talk about the player anymore, OK. I'm sick of it."

Tiki Experiencing Mid-Life Crisis in Light of Retirement

Future TV analyst and current NFL running back Atiim Kiambu Barber (shown left at an animal fair, try to guess which is him) has been disgruntled for the past three weeks. From calling out coaches to trashing the soft spoken and conservatively dressed Michael Irvin – it appears Tiki is venting years of frustration repressed by his million dollar smile. “I noticed problems arose when he complained that FOX NEWS wasn’t on in the weight room at all times,” said center Shaun O’Hara. “Then he was really pissed when I purchased a Denali instead of an Escalade. From there it got worse. He tried to criticize my play in a team meeting, but all he kept saying was really big words – like facetious and egregious. I know what those words mean – I did go to Rutgers.”

Last week during the Giants-Titans game (possible Super Bowl preview), Tiki did the unthinkable. He lashed out against his coaches by refusing to smile on odd downs. He even stopped his crusade to end the suffering of millions from NAGS (No Appetizing Game Snacks). However, this week against the Cowboys, Tiki has a trick up his sleeve.

“I am going to play cornerback against the Cowboys,” said Tiki. “If my brother Jamael Oronde can do it, why can’t I? I am not being facetious here either. This isn’t some Eli Manning or Tim Hasselbeck family fallacy. We all know that Peyton and Matt have superior genes to their younger siblings (see “Eli’s genes...” below). But Ronde and I have the exact same genetic code. I am practically a clone.”

Tiki feels the reason for his team’s lack of success is due to problems in the secondary. “We lost last year’s studs Will “Velcro” Allen as well as Will “The Thrill” Peterson, or Will James or whatever the heck his name is now. Also Corey “Spider” Webster and Sam “I Am” Madison are out too.” The barrage of nicknames was confusing, but apparently Tiki is lobbying for Chris Berman’s job after this season.

"My entire career I have been overlooked. Just listen to my Cadillac commercial for the full story. In closing, buy a DISH TV and listen to the Barber Shop on Tuesday nights.”

Tiki ended his conference with a chest bump and then broke into the running man.