Reports Link Mark McGwire to Floyd Landis

Reports were confirmed yesterday that Mark McGwire acquired performance enhancing drugs from cyclist Floyd Landis. McGwire and Landis apparently go back to their days as Mennonites in Lancaster County, PA. As children they both planned on leaving their simple life to pursue dreams of becoming professional athletes. As Mennonites they were so isolated from the modern world that they did not know much about the dangers of drugs.

“We were way too busy milking cows and harvesting grain to learn about the dangers of performance enhancing drugs. They were never around our community so there was no need to talk about them,” said 2005 Tour de France winner Floyd Landis.

Landis said when the two left Lancaster County, Landis met a trainer who first introduced him to performance enhancing drugs. “He just told me they were vitamins that helped your body during training so I said ‘what the heck’ I’ll try ‘em,” said Landis. “Then I told Mark to try them out because they worked so well for me and he started hittin’ a lot of home runs.”

Mark McGwire, who is up for induction into the Baseball Hall of Fame, was asked about his childhood relationship with Floyd Landis but had only this to say: “I’m not going to talk about the past, or how I look in a toga.”

“Looking back on it I wish we hadn’t done this, but on the other hand we both got paid,” said Landis.