Miami To Get A Glass Of OJ

The University of Miami Hurricanes football team is in shambles. Player arrests, on field brawls, and the lack of a competent coach have led to their demise. Instead of catching balls they catch court cases. The players who broke milestones now break laws. Instead of setting new records, they simply just have criminal records.

The self appointed “soldiers” of Miami’s championship teams have long gone on to the NFL. Their recently departed coach, Larry Coker, took his tactics of instilling discipline and building team integrity onto bigger and better things.

Now Miami has been “juiced” up (and we’re not talking Shawne Merriman). UMiami officials have hired OJ Simpson as their new head coach. The university so eloquently identified by the letter “U” now has an “O” and a “J” to add to their infamy.

“OJ brings instant credibility to our fledgling football program” Miami athletics director Paul Dee said in a statement on Friday. “He has that killer instinct that other coaches just don’t have.”

OJ Simpson’s first changes were harsh but necessary. “When I got the call I was just excited to take another stab at the sport. But I knew I had been brought here to do the dirty work. I started by cutting the players who I didn’t think I could trust. Then I had Miami install stain-resistant Astroturf.”

“Coach Simpson knows the ins and outs of the game. Like which way a running back should cut and slash and what types of gloves fit better. These are things only a Heisman trophy winner and a 6 time NFL Pro-Bowler would know,” said safety Brandon Merriweather. “I feel like he understands us as players - there's a connection there that I just can't describe."

We went to the university’s winter training facility to see the new coach in action. There was OJ, staring intensely at the playbook, thinking of new schemes to slice up defenses. OJ promised us and the fans that he would get this team out of trouble. No longer wondering how he would have done it in the past, Coach Simpson now has all the team’s weapons at his disposal. Now, only the team's success can judge OJ.