Tiki Experiencing Mid-Life Crisis in Light of Retirement

Future TV analyst and current NFL running back Atiim Kiambu Barber (shown left at an animal fair, try to guess which is him) has been disgruntled for the past three weeks. From calling out coaches to trashing the soft spoken and conservatively dressed Michael Irvin – it appears Tiki is venting years of frustration repressed by his million dollar smile. “I noticed problems arose when he complained that FOX NEWS wasn’t on in the weight room at all times,” said center Shaun O’Hara. “Then he was really pissed when I purchased a Denali instead of an Escalade. From there it got worse. He tried to criticize my play in a team meeting, but all he kept saying was really big words – like facetious and egregious. I know what those words mean – I did go to Rutgers.”

Last week during the Giants-Titans game (possible Super Bowl preview), Tiki did the unthinkable. He lashed out against his coaches by refusing to smile on odd downs. He even stopped his crusade to end the suffering of millions from NAGS (No Appetizing Game Snacks). However, this week against the Cowboys, Tiki has a trick up his sleeve.

“I am going to play cornerback against the Cowboys,” said Tiki. “If my brother Jamael Oronde can do it, why can’t I? I am not being facetious here either. This isn’t some Eli Manning or Tim Hasselbeck family fallacy. We all know that Peyton and Matt have superior genes to their younger siblings (see “Eli’s genes...” below). But Ronde and I have the exact same genetic code. I am practically a clone.”

Tiki feels the reason for his team’s lack of success is due to problems in the secondary. “We lost last year’s studs Will “Velcro” Allen as well as Will “The Thrill” Peterson, or Will James or whatever the heck his name is now. Also Corey “Spider” Webster and Sam “I Am” Madison are out too.” The barrage of nicknames was confusing, but apparently Tiki is lobbying for Chris Berman’s job after this season.

"My entire career I have been overlooked. Just listen to my Cadillac commercial for the full story. In closing, buy a DISH TV and listen to the Barber Shop on Tuesday nights.”

Tiki ended his conference with a chest bump and then broke into the running man.